I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He uses pillows to masturbate.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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