Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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