My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
