Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
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I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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