Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
