I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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