it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Can you bring me the toilet please
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
