sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
