Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.