I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Green mimosas i think yes
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I need a beard to bite.