I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
