I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
