I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
