I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
