This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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