I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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