I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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