i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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