I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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