I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
