After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
