Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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