even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
