There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
