halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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