almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
