I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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