my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
there's paper in my vomit.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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