I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
