i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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