I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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