My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
