I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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