He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
