How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
