you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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