better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
