So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
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Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
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How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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