Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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