Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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