I have demons in me.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
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My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
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Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
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