the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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