good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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