I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
