Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
