Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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