I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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