I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
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