I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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