i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
