I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
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I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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