I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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