He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
