Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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