I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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