she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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